Darkest Secrets
by A Luke and Smeg Production
Summary: This is the first of A Luke and Smeg Productions. Ever wonder what it's like to live in a sewer, isolated with the same people everyday? Chances are you'll do anything to relieve stress, perhaps even lose your mind. . .
1. Chapter 1: If You Go Down To The Sweres

Darkest Secrets  
  
Chapter 1: If You Go Down Sewers Today . . .  
  
Luke and Smeg were walking through the sewers. Contrary to popular belief, this was not their home, rather they had dropped into the New York Sewer System to visit a couple of old friends.  
  
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!!  
  
However, as they sloshed through the dank, dark sewer, Smeg began to notice something rather curious with the water. It was tinged a maroon colour that zig-zaged itself across the disturbed surface, this was closely followed by the gleaming white shape of a skull, bobbing merrily in the murky water.  
  
"Um, Luke?" Smeg asked, unnerved with her first encounter of death. "What is that?"  
  
"Uhh, Smeg . . ." Luke replied uncomfortably, looking down and his eyes widening. "It's a skull."  
  
"Alligator?" Smeg asked, her voice bordering on hope and terror. "Please say it's an alligator!"  
  
"Sorry, Smeg." Her long-haired friend confirmed. "Looks human."  
  
Suddenly Smeg's attention was diverted to a soaked piece of paper floating by her ankle. "Hey, look! 50 bucks!"  
  
As she bent down to pick the note up, however, she noted heavy breathing. Straightening up, and turning around to the source of the sound, she was startled to find none other than Raphael standing where he hadn't previously been.  
  
"Hello," he simply said, with a strange smile. "Tis a pleasant evening we're having, is it not?"  
  
Luke and Smeg gave a small start at the unexpected presence of the turtle in the red bandanna.  
  
"Oh . . . uh . . . hi, Raph," Luke stuttered nervously.  
  
"Yeah, . . . uh . . . hi," Smeg replied, also a bit frightened.  
  
"So," Raph spoke the words softly and they echoed off the stone walls, "what brings you two to dinner?"  
  
The two humans stood there in slight shock, they knew he lacked sense. As he stood there, looking at them strangely the pair couldn't help but feel slightly afraid for their lives.  
  
"Dinner?" Smeg mouthed. "We're not having dinner."  
  
"Yeah," Luke added, side glancing at the turtle, "we're just visiting."  
  
"Of course," that smile was starting to freak them out. "Follow me."  
  
With that they proceeded to follow the slightly deranged turtle to the secret lair. They were careful not to get to close to Raph, and causing an early death for either one of them.  
  
*******************************  
  
Okay we own nothing except ourselves and our jokes. That's our disclaimer for every fic.  
  
It does get funnier, so trust us. R&R and have a drink of coke while you're at it.  
  
Luke and Smeg 


	2. Chapter 2: Raph

It was quiet . . . but unfortunately not quiet enough to drown out the thoughts that Luke and Smeg were currently having. Smeg was muttering the Lord's Pray, while Luke was whispering the 26 Psalm, Raph made no move to reassure that they weren't about to die.  
  
Opening the hidden door, all three entered, and the two friends immediately dashed for the oddly unoccupied couch. The TV was currently off, indicting that the other turtles were out on a nightly patrol. Also Splinter's room was oddly closed up, which was strange as the aged rat preferred to keep a slight ear out for any trouble that his students would create.  
  
Just as the silence was starting to become heavy, the other turtles suddenly burst through the door, looking like the hounds of hell were on their tails. Looking at each other oddly, Luke and Smeg remained silent and watched as the brothers got their breaths back.  
  
"That is the LAST time we go to a liquor store!" Leo panted, as Don disappeared into his room with a backpack and returned again. "It's against Ninja honour to break and enter and take what homeless people are driven to."  
  
Mike snorted. "Well, the 'Ninja Honour' seemed to have vanished when you ran down the hall screaming like a girl, dude."  
  
"It was YELLOW!!" Leo shot back.  
  
At that moment all three suddenly spotted the two extremely confused humans and they immediately dropped their argument and put on false smiles.  
  
"Hi guys, what are you up to?" Mike waved, and sat next to Smeg, who high- fived him back. "Anything interesting going on in Australia?"  
  
"Apart from the Wallabies losing to England on Saturday, nope, can't say that anything has." Smeg grimaced at the thought, she lost $20 dollars to her 10 year-old sister that night.  
  
Noticing that Raph was missing, and thinking he was in another mood, the two decided to investigate. Going up to Raph's door, Luke had to do a double take on what was on the door. Signs like 'A good killer is a God send' and 'To slaughter or not to slaughter, that is the question and I am the answer' decorated the closed door.  
  
Looking at Smeg nervously, Luke held his hand out, indicating that she should go first. "Ladies first." He grinned, and opened the door into the darkened bedroom.  
  
"Prick." The smaller one muttered and stopped dead, making Luke bump into her. "Oh. My. God."  
  
It wasn't that she'd tripped, it was what was on the walls. Trophies. Trophies of human corps, stuffed and hung on the walls. Most of the people on Raphael's bedroom walls were known to have been missing since the early 90's.  
  
Raphael sat in a chair reading 'Silence of the Lambs' by Thomas Harris. Looking up, an unknown emotion passed his dark eyes as he grinned and placed his book down.  
  
"Welcome," the turtle motioned around his room. "To my lair. These are my treasures, I collected them myself. Most were unwilling, but that made it more fun."  
  
"Um . . . right," Luke replied, stunned, he leaned in closer to Smeg. "Let's get outta here."  
  
All she could do was nod numbly, and all three (yes even Raph) went back to the couch. They sat there for a while, the turtles gave no explanation as to why Raph's room looked like a place that even Dracula would even fear to tread.  
  
Luke lifted his hand, his pointer finger slightly crooked as he stuttered to speak the question he and Smeg wanted to know. "Um . . . may . . . um . . . I was." But his courage failed him  
  
Smeg took over. "What my mute friend is trying to ask is: why does Raphael's room look like a morgue?"  
  
Each of them looked at each other, until their gaze fell on Raph, who grinned at the attention.  
  
"I hunt for sport."  
  
A completely stunned silence followed.  
  
"What does a person say to that?" Luke asked, closing Smeg's shocked mouth.  
  
"Most people scream."  
  
"Kay," Luke proceeded to scream his lungs out.  
  
Quick as a flash, Don's hand appeared over his mouth, preventing any more disturbance from the long haired teenager. "Don't scream, you'll only provoke him."  
  
He nodded in fear and continued to watch Raph play skilfully with his sharp, pointy sai's.  
  
"Has . . . has he seen a psychiatrist at all?" Smeg asked, a little hesitant at asking such a personal question, based, as it was, on Raph's mental stability.  
  
"Yeah, he's seen one," Leo replied easily. "We just haven't seen the psychiatrist for a while."  
  
"Pardon?" Luke stuttered.  
  
"Dr Manning went missing a couple of weeks ago," Mike announced as he put a jacket on, "no ones been able to find any trace of the dude except for a bloody mess. Oh and an unidentified three pronged object."  
  
"The screamers are easy to hunt," was the red-bandanna clad turtles reply.  
  
"Well," Mike said briskly, doing his last button "I'm off to get myself some take out, any takers?"  
  
"Pizza, nothing but only cheese, meat-lovers for Smeg." Mike left, saying he'd be back in half an hour.  
  
"I like you," Raph said and moved closer to Smeg whimpered and inched away.  
  
"Please don't kill me."  
  
************  
  
Come on people, review!!!  
  
It's not THAT BAD  
  
Next: Don's Secret  
  
Luke and Smeg  
  
Disclaimer: Read chapter 1. 


	3. Chapter 3: Don

Chapter 3: Don  
  
Deciding that being alone with a honest murder with sharp pointy weapons in arms length was not the most brightest of ideas, the two decided to explore that realms of the turtles home. They found that they had passed to the kitchen and found Leonardo at the table reading a book on samurai honour.  
  
Deciding not to disturb at least one normal turtle, they walked passed each and every room. Raph's door, thank god, was closed. Leo's was perfect, tidy and clean and not a speck of dust to been seen. Mike's room was a complete disaster, books, soft-drink cans, and various other unidentifiable things clattered the floor of the orange turtle.  
  
Next came Donatello's room. Currently the door was shut to keep out unwanted people, turtles and rats. This, however, didn't stop Luke from knocking on the door.  
  
"Yo, Donny, it's Luke and Smeg, let us in." Luke yelled as he knocked.  
  
"Oh, you'll let me enter the lions den first, but it's second best when it comes to a lamb?" Smeg asked a little pissed at the idea of being sacrificed to a crazed turtle.  
  
"Naturally," her friend replied as the door opened and a slightly glazed- eyed Donatello answered.  
  
"Can I help you two?" he asked politely but a little rushed. "I'm a little busy at the moment. My . . . ugh . . . computer isn't working properly right now and I . . . um . . . I hate to, you know, leave our security system down for even a few minutes."  
  
Luke pushed passed the turtle who was obviously hiding something. "Hey, no sweat, I'm a computer expert, especially when it comes to breaking things."  
  
Don rushed to stop the boy from even touching his mouse. "Umm . . . no, Luke. I said fix not break." The purple turtle explained as he slapped Luke's hand away. However, in his haste to keep Luke from destroying anything, he knocked the mouse and the screen-saver disappeared in a flash of white light.  
  
"Oh. My. God." Was all Smeg could say. "That is SO wrong. And in SO many ways!"  
  
Donatello quickly covered the screen with his hands, hiding the hard-core images upon the monitor. "It's for research, no harm done."  
  
"You're a PORN addict." Luke said, pushing Don away and clicking the 'Favourites' button. The list held noting but porn, porn and MORE porn.  
  
"DON!!" Smeg yelled at the turtle in shame and anger of his secret shame. "You're meant to be the hero, good, morals and that crap."  
  
"What they don't see can't hurt them." Was his reply.  
  
"That's what Bill Clinton said, before all was revealed." Luke snickered evilly.  
  
"Can you drop that joke already? Please?" Smeg begged.  
  
A silent and uncomfortable silence filled the room. When Smeg was about to exit the room her eyes fell on a half-empty bottle.  
  
"Don, what's in the bottle?" Smeg asked curiously. Don's eyes followed and looked nervously to his bottle, lying next to the occupied computer screen, which currently had a web page with exotic dancers.  
  
"Scotch. I mean, Orange Juice. I mean, Orange Scotch! . . . . . . . Oh FUCK!" Don violently cursed as he got mixed up with what liquid he was currently consuming.  
  
A look of pure disgust was on Smeg's face. "Right next to Mike, you were my favourite turtle." She stood up and pointed at him. "But seeming that you're a drunk and a Porn addict I think I've changed my mind! Did you notice the past tense I used? That's right bucko, PAST tense. I now look down upon you like Luke looks at PEPSI!!!"  
  
Luke, still at the computer, hissed at the name.  
  
"YEAH??!!" Donatello yelled back, grabbing the bottle from Luke and taking a swig from the whisky. "WELL, yeh hero is a BONG SMOKER!! He can't get passed a DAY without taking a whiff from his turtle skull. Herbs my green ARSE!!!"  
  
"Yeah, but that doesn't involve a trip to a AA meeting!" Smeg argued back. "Oh, wait, you're a social outcast . . . um how do we sort this one out?"  
  
"I don't know," Luke replied, not going through Don's list. "At least Raph/Norman has a drinking buddy. Especially when he's lonely and in need of some lovin'."  
  
"You are SO not helping!" Smeg pouted, stamping her foot in frustration. "I'm going no where near that psycho. And Donny, here, is in need of help."  
  
"But that's another story . . ." Luke stated. "It's not like he has low self-esteem! I must admit it though, Leo seems to be the only normal one here!"  
  
"STOP IT ALREADY!!!" Don screamed falling to his knees, the bottle still clutched in his hand. "I can't TAKE it!!"  
  
"What's wrong?" Smeg asked a little daunted by this.  
  
"It's always the others first!" the turtle began to sob, taking another swig. "Leo: the oh-so-perfect leader with Katana blades that show his leadership. Raph: the alcoholic who everyone sympathises because of his pent up bullshit with a three pronged pitchfork to match. And Mike: the funny clown-act pot smoker who gets to wack the CRAP out of people with his nunchuckes!!! Where does that leave me? Brains and a bo staff!!! A fricken STICK!!! Can you see the problem here? I'm not appreciated anymore, humans!!!"  
  
A gut wrenching sob escaped him and Don threw the bottle at Smeg, who, thanks to her size, didn't have to duck when it hit the wall. Luke took this opportunity to make a exit with Smeg in tow. They closed the door and left the currently drunk Don. It seemed he'd only been drinking for a few weeks, and only a few sips were needed to get him completely plastered.  
  
"You know," Luke whispered a little sad to see such Don sink so low in his life, his intelligence now fucked. "I actually feel sorry for the poor bugger."  
  
"Yeah," Smeg sighed, looking at the closed door which held the sobbing drunk. "who *wouldn't* be driven to alcoholism with these idiots."  
  
*****  
  
One person asked if we'd get any gorier (is that even a WORD?) with this fic, yes, but it'll be in bad taste and black humour. But with my generation they worship rappers (50cent,) who swear and wear protective clothing so they don't get shot. Not that I have anything against them.  
  
Next update will be when I finish it (Smeg is the one who is writing and updating, Luke's just giving ideas!). Hey, Leo fans, any ideas to discinergrate Leo's image? If so, let me know.  
  
Luke and Smeg 


	4. Raph 2

Chapter 4: Raph 2

"He's been like that for a while," came a soft but sudden voice. Thinking that it was Raph, the two whirled around to fend off an attack and found dark eyes staring back at them.

Deciding that at least one turtle wasn't a killer or drunk, the two humans sat cautiously. "What do you mean?" Luke asked, wondering how his childhood heroes had gone to hell so quickly.

"It all began when he found out he was gonna be a cyber-Don, go insane or something like that: I don't know, I don't read comics." Leo took a sip from a mug of coffee and sighed. "Then he discovered FF.N, big mistake, and found that, when written, he was kidnapped, tortured, or injured in some type of fashion, so he tried to write one himself."

"And?" Smeg pushed, wanting more.

Leo sighed again. "He's still trying to finish it. So far he hasn't gotten passed chapter 5."

"What happened? Writing doesn't cause that."

"But Writers Block does." Leo confirmed. "You authors; when hyper you can create pieces of art, but when nothing is to be found you go insane and either find creative inspiration or . . ."

"End up like poor Donny." Smeg shook her head sadly. "In the corner of your own world with nothing but a bottle of sorrow and your dying soul. And I thought I was bad. To rid myself of the evil Block I simply put on depressing music or finish another fic. You Luke?"

"GameCube." Was his reply. "Or a shot of Vodka, either way, it rids of my problems."

"Sometimes writing can be evil." Leo murmured taking another sip of coffee. "Just don't go down that path. But judging by the reviews; I don't think you guys will."

"We only have seven." Luke replied happily.

"Actually only six, ones a flame, and a deep one at that." Smeg corrected. "But aside from in-jokes, can you tell us... what the hell is wrong with Raph?"

"World Vision." Was Leo's answer.

"Come again," Luke stuttered, wondering if he heard right.

"Er . . . what?" Smeg queried confusion evident on her face.

"Well, seeing as we don't have jobs and rely on money falling from lose pockets or holes in pants, we barely earn enough to have three pizza's a week." Leo explained as he poured himself another mug of coffee. "And to tell you the truth, Raph isn't as bad-assed-"

"evil -" Luke translated.

"- as those dark fanfictions make him out to be. So he decided to change his ways and image."

"You know, not to change the subject or anything," Smeg put in, "but you guys seem pretty comfortable with the fact that you're just figments of some guy's imagination."

"Eh," Leo shrugged. "You learn to live with it. So anyway, about Raph, he was looking to change his image so he sponsored some Cambodian kid through World Vision . . ." Leo trailed off as he saw the incredulous expressions on Luke and Smeg's faces.

"World Vision?" Smeg demanded sure it was some cruel jest.

"Yep," Leo responded. "World Vision. He's actually gotten kinda attached to the kid. He loves getting mail from the little guy, even has a finger painting framed and hanging on his wall."

"Doesn't explain the homicidal tendencies though." Luke reminded still anxious for an answer.

"Well, it all started with money problems,"

"Doesn't it always?" Smeg questioned.

Leo ignored her. "We couldn't really afford to sponsor him for a great deal of time, so Raph took to mugging. Then killing. Now that I think about it . . . we should have stoped him earlier. Personally, I think he's a bit too intensely concentrated on this kid. So he kills because he cares."

"You think?" Smeg replied angrily. "When he snuck up behind us I nearly shat myself!"

"Why are you watching our language?" Luke asked. "It's 'R' so swear away. Besides, with what kids watch on TV these days, You've got nothing to worry about. Why, back when I was a lad..."

"'Shat' sounds funnier. And Luke, you're 18, for Christ's sake."

"Whatever," Luke dismissed. "Hey, I'm hungry, and am craving something fruity."

"Yeah," Smeg sulked, looking depressed. "And Legolas isn't here!"

Luke ignored Smeg's comment and began rummaging through the cupboards looking for anything eatable that may have been lurking in the dark.

"BINGO!" came his triumphant cry a few minutes later. He reappeared from the fridge, holding a huge orange plastic seal-box. Opening it on the counter, Luke turned to Smeg and Leo.

"Leo, you want a banana?"

A look of terror crossed Leo's features.

Well, over two years in updating. WORLD RECORD! Expect it to be slower, but enjoy what we had laying around.

Please review.


End file.
